Another Push

Yesterday I finally summoned the nerve to weigh myself. I hadn't weighed myself for about three months. I'd checked my blood sugar maybe once every two weeks.

Accck. The good news was that I hadn't gained any weight. The bad news was that I hadn't lost an ounce, either. In other words, I was exactly the same weight I'd recorded the day I met T., over four months ago.

My blood sugar wasn't quite as low as it had been back in the summer, when I was fanatically tracking and recording every carb I consumed (although it didn't seem alarmingly high).

Really, this is what I expected, having spent the past few months partying hearty.

I'm not entirely regretful: it's been fun eating and drinking whatever I wanted. And I haven't resorted to my pre-diagnosis, 300+ lb. eating habits, exactly -- I no longer come home and consume an entire box of cold cereal for dinner, for example. When I over-indulge, it tends to be on stuff like nuts, cheese, and alcohol, foods that are calorie (fat) dense but don't play havoc with my blood sugar. And I have continued to eat a lot of vegetables and high quality protein as well.

So... the only way to get back on the "reduction plan" is to start limiting quantities. And the only way for me to do that is to track every bite that goes into my mouth. I have a handy little electronic device called the Trac3 that makes it easy to monitor my calorie/fat/fiber/carb intake. I can even input my glucose readings and show correlations. It's a pain in the ass because it requires I measure portions for accuracy; I'm always disappointed to realize that my idea of "one cup" is about twice the size of a measuring cup! Also, it's a real battery hog. But it's the only thing that "keeps me real."

Yesterday I took it out, dusted it off, and started using it again. I was pretty "controlled" yesterday. I even brought a big bag of baby carrots to school, and a can of V-8 as a snack.

When I went to bed, things were looking good (I'd stayed under 2000 calories, that is; my modest goal is stay within the 1500-2000 daily calorie range). Then at 2 am I woke up with a furious, unshakable desire for chocolate. I wound up eating an entire chocolate orange (a Christmas leftover), which is considered four "servings" according to the package. Yikes!

This morning I faithfully input the chocolate orange. So now it is just noon, and I have already consumed 1200 calories. That gives me about 500 calories to play with over the next 12 hours, damnit! I'm kinda kicking myself right now...

But I know that just getting real about what I'm eating is the first step, and I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about my ability to resume "control."

I would love to get myself under 200 pounds by spring. That will be a significant milestone for me. (I remember how thrilled I was a year ago when I could tell myself, You are no longer a 300 pound woman). And of course I still dream about getting myself in (and out of) a kayak next summer.