Menopausal Musing

As I've mentioned, since my hysterectomy 18 months ago, I suspect I am still ovulating but never know quite where I am in my cycle. I'll be turning 53 next month, but the women in my family tend to arrive at menopause rather late, and I was still regular as clockwork at the time of surgery (I also insisted the surgeon leave my ovaries, despite my fears of cancer).

Who knows, if my lonely ovaries have shut down and I am in the throes of menopause, my hormones could be shooting up and down erratically. I do feel like I have been marinating in a bath of crazy-juice lately.

Anyway, yesterday I woke up feeling curiously calm, just as I used to back in the day I was actually having periods, and after a week of intense PMS, I would start to flow, and think, Ah, that's what that was all about!

All day Monday I resisted the urge to call T. Finally, around eight, she called: "Hiya gorgeous!" she greeted me brightly. She had been resisting the urge to call me as well. "I kept checking my voice mail," she complained. Apparently, each of us was waiting for the other to break the ice.

I apologized for my frantic self-involvement, but grudgingly, because somehow I was harboring a sense of being shot down, rejected.

There were a few beats of silence. Then T. asked me, "Can I be honest with you?"

"Please," I said, bracing myself.

"Our relationship has been on hold for the past few weeks!" T. erupted. "Ever since the trouble with Amanda -- even before, at Hell College -- all you've talked about is the union, and Becky, and how terrible everything is and how upset you are! We never talk about us, it's just all this work-related crap all the time!" She says this with some vehemence, unusual for T.

So... I start to see how it is from her perspective. And although I don't point it out, it occurs to me that the timing of my suggestion (that I start looking for a job down south) scared her a little; she probably wondered if it had more to do with my desire to "escape" my current straits than a reflection of love for her.

Plus, she's been married (not very happily) practically all her life. She's only recently learned to live by/for herself, and it's natural she'd be reluctant to throw that newly developed autonomy out the window.

In short, I think her resistance has more to do with wariness than selfishness.

Of course, I must concede that I have a long and rather pathetic history of persisting in relationships, making ridiculous accommodations; I squandered my peak childbearing years trying to convince The Turkish Engineer I was worthy of his commitment.

Well, the Reproductive Ship sailed long ago, and my biological clock has stopped ticking (although my sense of impending mortality now looms). I can't blame T. for staying married in order to maintain health insurance until she is sixty, if divorce 14 months earlier would doom her to giving up her own business and slaving for Home Depot instead.

I had told myself months ago that if I still loved T., I would hang in there until she turned sixty. If she didn't move on the divorce (and subsequent commitment to me), I would probably walk away, but I wouldn't issue any ultimatums until then.

Meanwhile, what's the rush? Of course, if I happened to meet someone who seriously flagged my interest, I might reconsider my time line, but the chances of this happening seem poor to none. I'm not anxious to get married at this stage of my life, but I'm anxious to be in an interesting and loving relationship.