Adieu Gentle Readers (all 30-some of you)!

I got up this morning and found the following comment by "Dana," who has apparently commented as "anonymous" to previous posts.

I've decided to delurk somewhat. I usually post anonymously. I think you have two things going on here, C -- first, you're not willing to set boundaries for yourself or say "no." That's clear from your inability to not have sex with someone you date, your post regarding the pesky student and your hesitation regarding another "date" with Mike. Second, you seem to be waiting around for someone to take care of responsibilities that are solely your own. You chose to own a house, and the responsibilities of moving the woodpile and mowing the lawn are yours, not someone else's. Both tendencies indicate, to me, a desire to abdicate responsibility for how your life turns out. In my opinion, your inability to choose between Topeka and New York really has a lot to do with how you'd rather let the chips fall where they may rather than making choices and then accepting the consequences (both positive and negative) of those choices. But even failing to choose is a choice -- a choice to relinquish all your power and give it to other people. Is that really what you want? Lest you think I'm knocking you, I'm not -- I know this from painful and deep personal experience; I have been there, done that, and have the (worn, tattered) t-shirt. I wish for you to find deep joy and satisfaction in your life; you can in fact find that, but it won't be in a perfect little package delivered to your doorstep. You have to put on your big kid underpants and make it happen for yourself. You know the dysfunctional predictability Topeka will bring you. You know the dangers and romantic charms of New York. From my personal perspective, it's clear from the tone of your writing which suits you better. It seems you don't want to choose what you know would be good for you. Is it because you think you don't deserve it?

Just my .02. Your mileage may vary.

I was so offended by his/her observations (which were, admittedly, not flattering to moi) that I decided to take myself off the blogging market forthwith.

Now I'm not so vain and prideful that I can't take a little constructive criticism. I can appreciate Dana has put a lot of thought into this comment, and perhaps means well, but her presumption and condescending tone really jacked my jaw. Any time someone prefaces or modifies an opinion with "Lest you think I am knocking you, I'm not...," well, Gentle Reader, you can be sure that is exactly what he/she is doing.

The comment about my reluctance to move my own woodpile, and how this incident is further evidence of a general failure to take responsibility for my own life, made me smile. You know, I'd already forgotten about that day! (Fortunately, I managed to devise a solution that didn't involve hours of heavy labor... I'm pretty good at McGyvering when I have to.)

Yes, Dana, I am a very fucked up person in crucial ways! Yes, Dana, sometimes (often, lately) I do want fate to swoop down and "rescue" me. (Show me a single woman of any age who doesn't entertain the "white knight" fantasy on occasion.) I do want to own a house without having to perform any home maintenance chores myself, and I want its value to steadily increase without having to pay higher property taxes, too. (Show me a home-owner that doesn't entertain those twin fantasies.)

I do vascillate and dither, and I do want my cake and eat it too. I'm greedy and lazy and lustful and sad and conflict-ridden and an all-around Drama Queen.

Thanks for pointing out my trouble with establishing appropriate "boundaries," Dana. Seems I recall that coming up in therapy a few hundred times. Now that you have brought it to my attention I should have no more irritating encounters with students, friends, or family members. It will doubtless bring my promiscuity under control as well. You are generous indeed to bestow upon me the largesse of your (undisclosed) experience.

Granted, I had practically invited such armchair psychoanalysis from strangers, but come to find out, I really don't care to remain in that position. Of course, I could have just deleted the comment and blithely carried on, but I knew it would niggle me forever that "Dana" (or someone like her/him) was out there, reading my heart laid bare and... judging me. That awareness would censor me.

Therefore, I have altered the settings so that my blog is accessible only to myself. The public private diary will become a more or less private private diary. My indiscretions will remain my own... for a while.

Granted, I was aware that I was playing with fire from the get-go. When I started blogging about people I really cared about, or worked with, or depended on in a myriad of ways, I knew I risked hurting them deeply and maybe even losing them. It was beginning to seem less "worth it." Ursula's question, whether T. knew if I was blogging about her, proved readers were wondering too.

Another problem I was starting to experience was a sense that I was playing to an audience instead of writing honestly. I found myself creating "characters" of myself and others instead of recording events in a clean, straightforward, unvarnished way. Since the raison d'etre of the blog was to have an outlet to write absolutely candidly, with as little judgment and self-censorship as possible, I was beginning to feel at cross-purposes with myself.

Part of the pay-off of blogging to the world was that it really motivated me to write a little everyday. Since one of my pipe dreams is to become a published writer, I thought that my own life might provide some material for a novel or collection of short stories one day. I hope that I will continue to maintain this blog, now that it is strictly "personal writing."

Thank you Oh Gentle Readers! I especially thank Fez, Miz UV, Just Another Bad Hair Day, One Dark Mistress -- I've developed a curious admiration and fondness for you all, and I will continue to visit your blogs and enjoy your witty observations about your own most interesting lives.